(via idyllicallyirrational)Source: itseverdeen
I think there comes a day where everyone wishes they could turn the time back to change something they’ve done otherwise. What would I have done otherwise then, if I could really go back in time? The truth is, even as I think about it now, I don’t know what the hell I should have done. When did it start? Was it the seeing-each-other-everyone? I was a born attention-whore. I realized that since I was really young. I yearned for everyone’s attention. It wasn’t anything special when I wanted your attention. Then it got out of hands. Because feelings came in. Amidst all that, I felt insecure about the relationship we shared and the joy I experienced when I was with you. Did you know about all the lies that lie beneath it all? I suppose I’m the only one who will ever know, seeing as I fabricated all the stories to gain what I wanted. Eventually, I guess I did get what I wished for. I ruined someone else to get what I want. All it took was some time to spend with you, more lies, tears to gain sympathy with, and a bit of luck. I admit, I did wrong. You were right for each other, and I ruined it all, out of selfishness. But then again, I was a self-centered attention-whore. How can you blame me for doing something completely and utterly part of me? However, I do admit to doing something wrongly. I wasn’t brave enough. I was never the type with the guts, you see. Well, after ruining someone’s life, I wasn’t brave enough to recognize that someone else was hurt too, and I had the complete ability to make it better. But I didn’t. Because I was cowardly and refused to do anything that decreases my amount of gain to repay someone for doing something that great and sacrificial for me. I think I know what you wanted from me the day you said you wanted to speak to me. Then again, I am only guessing. I will never know the whole truth, well unless you offer to tell it to me. I guessed. Maybe I thought too highly of myself. Well I hope that was the case. At least it wouldn’t have hurt you. Only me. I prefer that I remain as the only one who left with a broken heart. But what if what I guessed really was true? You were really going to say what I thought you were going to say? Then I will have to apologize more than once, no? I apologize for not wanting to hear you. Because I was not ready, because I was scared I won’t hear what I expected to, and leave with a shattered heart without anyone else to tell? How immature of me. Well, what else can you expect of a child? Maybe I was just unwilling to try out something new, if you get what I mean. It wasn’t something I’ve experienced before. I might have dreamt of it, but really, how many people are daring enough to live their dreams? So I decided to leave my questions unanswered. I refused to see you because of all that emotions running through my mind. I don’t know if you were broken after. I admit to having led you on before that. I jolly well knew I should not have. But I couldn’t bring myself to change my selfish and childish ways. I chose to hurt others to protect myself. Come to think of it now, I think I was rather stupid. Because I couldn’t see what was coming to me. A life of regret, guilt, self-blame and many other emotions more painful to experience than the fear of trying something new. Till today, I can feel the pain in my bones. I chose to box up those memories and hide them deep down in the abyss of my heart. These were, after all, one of my most precious memories, closest to something I desired very much for a long time. I want to hold on to those memories, but I didn’t. Ironic, no? Whatever it is, those experiences left a scar. I don’t know how deep an impression I left in your life. But what we shared means a lot to me, then till now. I cannot convince myself to forget, and memories serve as daily reminder for me not to fall so deep so hard so fast ever again. I don’t want to relive the agony. I am still the selfish girl you once knew. Afraid of hurting myself. I just want to protect myself from all the harshness of this world. Yes, I care less of anything and anyone else on earth. Because I’m the only one who matters. The world revolves around me. If you decide to come back one day, please come and see me, with a happy face. If it makes a difference, I hope it’s her you bring along with you. It might take the weight off my heart, knowing that I didn’t make you suffer for long with my actions, and the hurt I felt, might well be trillions of times more than what you did. You were the matured one back then. Guiding me to the right path, accomodating me and treating me with utmost care and gentleness. But I didn’t treasure it. All the emotions came back when she spoke to me a few months ago, reminding me of the times we shared. I haven’t seen her or you for a long time. If I did, I wish to apologize. But I won’t. Because I cannot bring myself to do it, and why should I hurt for you or her if none of you matter and I’m the only person in the whole wide world who matters and all that matters is that I’m safe, I’m protected, and I feel great? Some time in the future I know I will regret having said this, but I wish you never come back for me. That will most likely be the case anyways. You will eventually return to where you came from, leaving me in this world filled with loneliness, and me, all alone, attempting my best to forget memories, or at least deny their existence. Don’t pity me, or I’ll pity you for giving feelings to some one so selfish that she isn’t worth even a penny. If you choose to give your life to me, I shall relish in self-praise and satisfaction of having completely ruined someone’s life. Someone I really hate, someone I wish I could destroy before you started being a part of my pathetic life. If I could go back in time, I would stay away from you from day 1. and relish in pain. I am masochist, it’s official.
… But why did I bother to post this when I can’t be bothered about anything or anyone else expect for myself?
OH THE FOOK I LEFT MY GREEN FILE IN SCHOOL -.-
fook la considering how all my notes are in there :/
ANYWAYS, new tumblr lol my old one never got discovered by anyone. hihihi. and tumblr claims I never updated that thing since 40 years ago. was so greatly inspired by @SUJUdom to re-start tumblr again hohoho. they make osum macros btws. @KimberlyPang has special attachment towards FOAMING hihihi mine is FOOK. moo~
SS TAUGHT ME~ that we should prolly be like x100000 cautious with all we send to cyberspace ‘neeways. I mean, so now Wee Shu Min elitism scandal has its own wikipedia page -.- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wee_Shu_Min_elitism_scandal you can’t deny that her English is daebak though. netspeak is NOT safe. fook maybe I should keep a diary instead -.-
kk, going for #picspam now. byeizzles :D